N.B.
I'm right on the edge of something halfway between a meltdown, shutdown and a panic attack, so if this doesn't make sense, I apologise in advance.
I think I've mentioned my boyfriend before. He is brilliantly intelligent, funny, and passionate, and the two of us love each other a lot. We've been together 16 months today.
Recently, we went on holiday together. During a light-hearted conversation, he said
"Well, you'll never handle kids if you can't handle THAT!"
My reply was, as always,
"I don't want kids."
"What, not ever?"
"No!"
He turned away with the saddest expression I've ever seen on his face. When I asked him what was wrong, he said that he couldn't see things working out with me in the long term because he wants kids.
We spoke again tonight, and at the moment he is "seeing how he feels".
This is going to break us up. This is going to break us up while we still love each other.
This sucks.
Despite knowing all my life that love cannot and does not solve anything, despite making scathing attacks on the view that love solves everything, I still wish that it was enough that we love each other, that apart from this issue, we are great for each other. But that doesn't happen. This is reality. And so my heart is breaking.
I'm shaking. I could hardly walk across the carpark at the train station tonight. I'm having to bounce my body off walls just to keep centred and know where I am in space. I'm in danger of hurting myself. Badly. On the way home tonight, it was such a strain to keep from crying in public (I wasn't entirely successful with that) that I gave myself a nosebleed. I never have nosebleeds.
I don't know what to do.
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4 comments:
Rachel, breathe. I hope this all works. I never wanted children myself and now have five. Things have a way of working, just breathe.
Heather
Hi Rachel. If you don't feel that you could handle young kids because they need so much of your time and energy, maybe you and your boyfriend could adopt an older child? There are many older autistic children in foster care who need families...
I hope it all works out for you, whatever you decide to do.
Without being too personal, many centuries ago I too didn't want children, but sometimes things work out differently from the way you expect [or plan].
Best wishes
Thanks to all of you.
Bonnie, it's not so much a case of not feeling I could handle kids as not wanting them at all. I like kids, but I don't like the thought of someone being dependent on me for 20+ years.
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