(Last posted January 17th last year? God, I didn't realise it'd been so long.)
(This is just a way to get my thoughts out of my head. Noone needs to actually read.)
As most people who know me know, my ultimate goal (not the world domination one, the other one) is to become a university lecturer in music. To do this, I need a PhD in music. So far, I have a Bachelor's degree in music. The next step is to get a Master of Music Studies as a step-up to the actual Master of Music (if I'd treated my depression earlier, my GPA would've been high enough to get into the Master of Music, but the past is the past, what's done is done etc etc etc).
Today, for the 5001.237th time, I was reading the admissions/audition procedures for the M.Mus.Stud, (despite knowing them off by heart. It's reassuring to be able to read the information again and again and again and ad infinitum). I was re-reading the Application for Audition form (again_again), when I noticed this part
"Referees
Referee Reports may be sought from persons who are able to testify to your academic and/or professional achievements. If Referee Reports are required for your program/s, please forward a copy to each of your nominated referees below. Referee Reports can be obtained online – www.griffith.edu.au/postgraduate/extraforms"
I'm sure that this should be a simple enough thing to figure out. However, it sent my (totally, utterly rational (liar) ) brain into a fit of wildly over-thinking things.
First, academic achievement. I'm planning to audition at the university where I got my B.Mus from. The people who are able to testify to my academic achievement will be the ones who I'm trying to prove myself as worthy to. I'd think that just bringing in the official transcripts from my degree would be fine, but (OMGWTFBBQFEARANDTERROR) what if it isn't?
That's not the worrying worry, though. The worrying worry is the "professional achievements" part. I suck at the real world, and for postgraduate study, they will want some evidence of being able to function in the Real World(TM). This is a good part of the reason why I'm going into academics. My only real achievements are
1. Having a whole lot of students.
2. Having a bunch of amateur musicians think that I'm a damn good musician (not that I don't value their opinions, it's just that I'm not sure the university will).
3. The degree,
which, admittedly, proves that I am an excellent composer. However.
This is not enough. I lack... hatr- (sorry, anime references are trying desperately to slip through here) people skills (See: Autism Spectrum Disorders: Rachel has One). People Skills(TM) are required to get people to play one's music. The staff of the composition department are aware of my lack of People Skills(TM)
(The (TM) and Initial Capital Letters are a way to take this less seriously. The Taking This Less Seriously(TM) is a way to get past the sheer, screaming terror (no, not of existence, Rachel. This is the Future Crisis(TM), not the Existential Crisis(TM). The worst outcome of that was the realisation that your existence, and that of everyone you care about, is futile and pointless. The worst possible outcome of this is that you'll be stuck living with your father FOREVER, which is far, far worse.) of the future). This could be a problem. My people skills can and do improve (7 years ago, I couldn't initiate a conversation. Now, with effort I can. One example.), but they do so s l o w l y a n d p a i n f u l l y . I'm having a hard time convincing myself that they'll ever be at the level they need to be; convincing the audition panel will be 1000000^1000000^100000xharder (See: Persuaded and Convincing under: Things Rachel Sucks At).
No matter how much I worry, I'm going to audition anyway, even if at the time I don't have enough money to pay for my studies.
(And money, work etc, the thought of it causes more horrible anxiety. I love my brain.)
