What you see/what you don't see

You see a child who has "turned on the waterworks" because they are in trouble for not doing something that they had been asked to.

You don't see that this is a child who had genuinely forgotten, and who has just been yelled at, and who is terrified by people yelling.


You see that this child can remember things when she wants to, and anyway, she is so good at schoolwork, why can't she remember to do the dishes or hang out the washing?

You don't see that this child isn't doing anything wrong on purpose, that this child is just as puzzled by the discrepancy between her ability to retain information and her lack of ability to keep her life organised or to remember to do her chores, that this child sometimes just needs one more reminder to do things that she has forgotten to do.

You don't see that this is child who knows that these difficulties are caused by a brain that works differently to yours, and is frustrated by her inability to explain this to you. Not that you'd listen.

You see a lazy child who can't be bothered tidying their bedroom or desk.

You don't see that this child was not aware of the untidyness until it was pointed out to them. You don't see that the reason this child "can't be bothered" tidying it is because they are overwhelmed and don't have any idea where to start.

You put the timer on and tell the child that if they don't finish (insert chore here) (insert punishment here) will happen.

You don't realise what that sort of pressure does to a brain that is already overloaded.

You see a child that "can't have a conversation that isn't about something that she's read." (My father made that accusation against me once. I ask you, what sort of thing is that to say to an 11-year-old?)

You don't see the joy that this child gets from books, the rich universe that they hold for her. You don't see how proud this child is of her ability to retain every bit of information that she reads. You don't see that this child repeats things from books because she thought that other people might also find these things to be interesting.

You see a teenager that has "no social life", and berate her for it.

You don't see that she has seen too much of the bad side of her peers to want much to do with them. You don't see that her friends' idea of fun is going to a nightclub full of flashing lights and noise and people, which is her idea of hell.

You see that the same teenager can't be bothered washing her hair/tidying her bedroom/etc etc etc.

Did you bother asking why? When you are struggling just to stay alive, everything else takes a low priority. When you want to die, clean hair somehow doesn't matter as much.

You see that your child is still living at home at the age of 23, and that she is smart enough to be able to move out.

You don't see that she hates knowing that she is a burden. You don't see that she knows that even if she had the time to earn enough to support herself while completing a university degree, she could not cope with the stress. You don't see that she knows how many of her university colleagues are supporting themselves, and that this makes her feel inadequate. You don't hear the constant repetition in her mind of the question "If I am so smart, why do act so stupid; why am I behind my peers in so many ways?"