Some musings.

Asperger's Syndrome. Is it a disability? How does it impact my life? Would I be better off without it? This post will consider those questions.

For me, it is a disability of sorts. Before discovering it, I would agonise over why other people, people who were less intelligent than me, seemed better at navigating life. They had friends and romantic relationships. They bought large items. They saved up and hired limousines to take them to the school formal. They seemed to do it without effort, while I struggled and struggled and still fell far behind.

This has caused pain. This has caused me to wake, sobbing, at 3am and not fall asleep for an hour, as I wonder "why am I so stupid?". This has caused me to become suicidal. I've pressed razors to my throat. I've heard a train coming and taken the first step toward the tracks. I've found a rope and stopped only because I couldn't find a place to hang myself from. I've counted out pills. Always, though, something has stopped me from finally giving up.

I read accounts of autistic children. By the sound of it, most of them are really lovely kids who are given are hard time for being different. I think that it is our society that is the problem here. Children should not be bullied and ostracised and treated as sub-human because they are different. People are hard-wired to be suspicious of difference, but that can be overcome. The way these children are treated both by their peers and by adults who should know better is sick; sickness should be healed.
Parents, if you are reading this (and I know you do), the best thing you can do for children is to not only show them that life is worth living, but that they are worthy of life. Contradict the messages that the world sends them. You, of all people, know better than anyone else how wonderful your children are: show that to them. Being autistic is difficult, but that difficulty can be alleviated simply by feeling valuable.

Yes, it has caused pain, it has caused friends to leave, but it is also the source of much joy. I know of noone else who can laugh for joy when they find a pattern in a number sequence. I know of very few other people who experience music as exquisitely as I do. Colours are brighter, sounds are clearer, tastes are more exciting. It has given me a rich world.

It allows me to see past the social games to the real people underneath. Because of this, the few friends who I have are true friends. It took a long time and much heartache to learn to pick out who was sincere, but it was a lesson well learned.

It allows me to observe humans as an outsider. Temple Grandin refers to herself as "an anthropologist on Mars". I know exactly what she means. I have an outside view. This outside view makes people a fascinating thing to study. It allows me to have insights that they, so caught up in their way of being, do not, perhaps cannot have.

I've reached no clear conclusions, in this post or in my thoughts. Being Aspergian is a source of endless frustration to me. Most of the autistic people who I know/know of seem to be struggling. However, I would not change who they are: I'd change the world to make it an easier place to be in. I would not change who I am: the good makes life beautiful, and I gain strength and insight into life by overcoming the bad.