Autistic Disorder

Autistic Disorder

A life-long tragedy that ruins a child's life and the lives of everyone he knows. Diagnosed by all of the following.

Inappropriate behaviours:
Will not talk. Alternatively, had speech but lost it.

Screams for no reason. No, we do not mean no APPARENT reason. If their parents can't imagine why they should be screaming, then they shouldn't. Remember, parents, your worldview is the only valid one!

Rocks all day while flapping hands in front of face and spinning the wheels on toy cars.

Doesn't love parents.

Is unaware of the existence of anyone else, quite possibly unaware of the existence of outside reality.

Goes between complete inactivity and hyperactivity, with no middle ground.

Makes no eye contact. This is a sign that they do not love you and are not listening. It has recently been proven that we hear with our eyes, not our ears as had been previously believed.

Disturbances in cognitive functioning and identity:

Has no self.

Invariably retarded. If an autistic person displays any sort of ability, it is referred to as a "splinter skill" rather than something that they are good at. This is because tragic empty robots can't be good at anything. If you disagree, you want our children to suffer. Don't you care about the children?!

Fascinated with boring things such as light switches.

Compromised health:
Horrible diarrhoea.

Allergic to everything.



There are a number of hypotheses on the cause of autism. The most popular, and thus the best, are
The child's soul was stolen. Probably by pixies or Bruno Bettelheim.
It was mercury. IT WAS IT WAS IT WAS!!!! So there!
Bad parenting.
The child being confused because its mother is a refrigerator and its father smells of elderberries.

Despite recent and not-so recent scientific studies suggesting a genetic link to autism, this cannot be true, as it does not fit in with the idea that the government is out to screw us over by making our children autistic then taking our money away in black helicopters, or something. The Illuminati are also involved, probably. Either way, popular opinion and conjecture always produce more true results than carefully controlled double-blind studies.

There is no cure for autism, however, the symptoms can be treated for recognising them for what they are- pure stubbornness- and punishing your child every time he or she refuses to act normal.
If this does not work (It will only work in the mildest of cases, and autism is never mild, it is always crippling, a burden and tragic), the child should be put out of its misery. If the child is not miserable, make it miserable (this can be achieved by tickling it while screaming in its ear and flashing bright lights in its eyes) then put it out of its misery.