Society For The Prevention of Autism Prevention

Well, this is a new experience

2009-03-14T08:21:00.002-05:00

Recently, I got fed up with being in pain every time I left my house. (Well, I was already fed up, but I finally decided to do something about it.)
My hearing is my worst sensory issue. Everything comes in at a high volume. This hurts. This hurts quite a lot if I spend any time in places with even a few people.
So, I decided to buy myself a pair of those foam earplugs that you put in your ears and they expand. (They look like the little ones in the picture.)

And they are fantastic! The first time I wore them, it was on a bus to work. For once, I arrived at work without my head hurting, without my ears hurting, without every muscle in my body aching, without feeling sick without feeling lethargic because of beginning to shut down, and with a clear head.

Another effect is that, at the age of 25 years and almost 3 months, I now understand the concept of background noise on a level other than the purely conceptual. Without the earplugs, everything is competing for foreground. Everything enters my attention. With the earplugs, sounds now recede into the background.
This improves my speech processing, as I don't have a gazillion other sounds competing for my brain's attention.

The only problem with the earphones is that they feel uncomfortable in my ears, but this is a small price to pay for so much pain reduction. I am so getting a pair of noise-cancelling headphones as soon as I can afford them.

Worrying. Yay.

2009-01-05T03:30:00.001-05:00

(Last posted January 17th last year? God, I didn't realise it'd been so long.)

(This is just a way to get my thoughts out of my head. Noone needs to actually read.)

As most people who know me know, my ultimate goal (not the world domination one, the other one) is to become a university lecturer in music. To do this, I need a PhD in music. So far, I have a Bachelor's degree in music. The next step is to get a Master of Music Studies as a step-up to the actual Master of Music (if I'd treated my depression earlier, my GPA would've been high enough to get into the Master of Music, but the past is the past, what's done is done etc etc etc).

Today, for the 5001.237th time, I was reading the admissions/audition procedures for the M.Mus.Stud, (despite knowing them off by heart. It's reassuring to be able to read the information again and again and again and ad infinitum). I was re-reading the Application for Audition form (again_again), when I noticed this part

"Referees
Referee Reports may be sought from persons who are able to testify to your academic and/or professional achievements. If Referee Reports are required for your program/s, please forward a copy to each of your nominated referees below. Referee Reports can be obtained online – www.griffith.edu.au/postgraduate/extraforms"

I'm sure that this should be a simple enough thing to figure out. However, it sent my (totally, utterly rational (liar) ) brain into a fit of wildly over-thinking things.
First, academic achievement. I'm planning to audition at the university where I got my B.Mus from. The people who are able to testify to my academic achievement will be the ones who I'm trying to prove myself as worthy to. I'd think that just bringing in the official transcripts from my degree would be fine, but (OMGWTFBBQFEARANDTERROR) what if it isn't?

That's not the worrying worry, though. The worrying worry is the "professional achievements" part. I suck at the real world, and for postgraduate study, they will want some evidence of being able to function in the Real World(TM). This is a good part of the reason why I'm going into academics. My only real achievements are
1. Having a whole lot of students.
2. Having a bunch of amateur musicians think that I'm a damn good musician (not that I don't value their opinions, it's just that I'm not sure the university will).
3. The degree,

which, admittedly, proves that I am an excellent composer. However.
This is not enough. I lack... hatr- (sorry, anime references are trying desperately to slip through here) people skills (See: Autism Spectrum Disorders: Rachel has One). People Skills(TM) are required to get people to play one's music. The staff of the composition department are aware of my lack of People Skills(TM)
(The (TM) and Initial Capital Letters are a way to take this less seriously. The Taking This Less Seriously(TM) is a way to get past the sheer, screaming terror (no, not of existence, Rachel. This is the Future Crisis(TM), not the Existential Crisis(TM). The worst outcome of that was the realisation that your existence, and that of everyone you care about, is futile and pointless. The worst possible outcome of this is that you'll be stuck living with your father FOREVER, which is far, far worse.) of the future). This could be a problem. My people skills can and do improve (7 years ago, I couldn't initiate a conversation. Now, with effort I can. One example.), but they do so s l o w l y a n d p a i n f u l l y . I'm having a hard time convincing myself that they'll ever be at the level they need to be; convincing the audition panel will be 1000000^1000000^100000xharder (See: Persuaded and Convincing under: Things Rachel Sucks At).

No matter how much I worry, I'm going to audition anyway, even if at the time I don't have enough money to pay for my studies.
(And money, work etc, the thought of it causes more horrible anxiety. I love my brain.)

Something that concerns me

2008-01-17T09:29:00.000-05:00

This is something that I've noticed in many AS forums. It seems to be common among those who are new to AS. What I'm talking about is an attitude among some autistics that people on the spectrum are perfect angels who can do no wrong.
I am all for pointing out our good qualities. The more people who know that we are not just soulless robots, that we are actual people, the better. If autism is less demonised, hopefully the world will be easier for us to live in. Hopefully, fewer autistic children will be murdered because their parents had been misinformed and thought there was no hope.

However, this attitude can go too far. There are some people who would have it that autistics can do no wrong. This is not true, and this attitude is detrimental to our image, as it portrays us as arrogant, supercilious and unaware of our faults.

I think it was Joel Smith who pointed out that autism is a neurological condition, not a moral one. This is absolutely correct. There are good autistics, there are bad autistics. We are human like anyone else, and as humans, we are flawed. We are not all cut from the same sheet of "angelic, super-smart" dough.

We are people. Nothing more, nothing less.

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-24T02:22:00.000-05:00

Since I won't get to the computer tomorrow, I'll wish everyone a Merry Christmas now.
If you don't celebrate Christmas, I hope you also have a great day.

Happy birthday to me

2007-12-19T03:55:00.000-05:00

I am 24 today.
So far received
A metal puzzle
$15
Some perfume (Calvin Klein "Be")
A keyring that is a toy that allows you to pretend to be a DJ, complete with sound effects
2 cards, one of which has a picture of a train on it.

Uni graduation!

2007-12-15T08:17:00.000-05:00

I graduated from uni tonight!

I now hold a Bachelor of Music in Composition, and have BMus(Comp) after my name.

Here is a picture that my mum took on her camera phone.

Tonight marks the achievement of a goal that I set for myself before the age of 10.

Speaking of completely outdoing myself...

2007-11-29T19:42:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I received my Examination Report for my composition folio. It says

"We are thrilled with the depth of the folio Rachel has presented. A folio of substance and variety that shows substantial development. We congratulate Rachel on her progress and wish her well in the future".

And the mark I got was...

96%!!!!

That is a 10% improvement since last semester.

Well...

2007-11-26T04:43:00.000-05:00

My long-awaited (ok, I've been waiting for less than a fortnight, but it seems forever) results for the last semester at uni have come in.

Contemporary creative writing: C
North Indian Music: C
Major Study 8 (composition): HD
Australian Music: C
Orchestral Literature: D
Term GPA: 5.700

(translation: C= Credit, D= Distinction, HD= High Distinction. GPAs range between 0 and 7.)

This means that I will be eligible to graduate and be awarded a Bachelor of Music in Composition at the ceremony on the 15th of December this year.

Some musings.

2007-11-25T10:42:00.000-05:00

Asperger's Syndrome. Is it a disability? How does it impact my life? Would I be better off without it? This post will consider those questions.

For me, it is a disability of sorts. Before discovering it, I would agonise over why other people, people who were less intelligent than me, seemed better at navigating life. They had friends and romantic relationships. They bought large items. They saved up and hired limousines to take them to the school formal. They seemed to do it without effort, while I struggled and struggled and still fell far behind.

This has caused pain. This has caused me to wake, sobbing, at 3am and not fall asleep for an hour, as I wonder "why am I so stupid?". This has caused me to become suicidal. I've pressed razors to my throat. I've heard a train coming and taken the first step toward the tracks. I've found a rope and stopped only because I couldn't find a place to hang myself from. I've counted out pills. Always, though, something has stopped me from finally giving up.

I read accounts of autistic children. By the sound of it, most of them are really lovely kids who are given are hard time for being different. I think that it is our society that is the problem here. Children should not be bullied and ostracised and treated as sub-human because they are different. People are hard-wired to be suspicious of difference, but that can be overcome. The way these children are treated both by their peers and by adults who should know better is sick; sickness should be healed.
Parents, if you are reading this (and I know you do), the best thing you can do for children is to not only show them that life is worth living, but that they are worthy of life. Contradict the messages that the world sends them. You, of all people, know better than anyone else how wonderful your children are: show that to them. Being autistic is difficult, but that difficulty can be alleviated simply by feeling valuable.

Yes, it has caused pain, it has caused friends to leave, but it is also the source of much joy. I know of noone else who can laugh for joy when they find a pattern in a number sequence. I know of very few other people who experience music as exquisitely as I do. Colours are brighter, sounds are clearer, tastes are more exciting. It has given me a rich world.

It allows me to see past the social games to the real people underneath. Because of this, the few friends who I have are true friends. It took a long time and much heartache to learn to pick out who was sincere, but it was a lesson well learned.

It allows me to observe humans as an outsider. Temple Grandin refers to herself as "an anthropologist on Mars". I know exactly what she means. I have an outside view. This outside view makes people a fascinating thing to study. It allows me to have insights that they, so caught up in their way of being, do not, perhaps cannot have.

I've reached no clear conclusions, in this post or in my thoughts. Being Aspergian is a source of endless frustration to me. Most of the autistic people who I know/know of seem to be struggling. However, I would not change who they are: I'd change the world to make it an easier place to be in. I would not change who I am: the good makes life beautiful, and I gain strength and insight into life by overcoming the bad.

18 Questions

2007-11-23T04:41:00.001-05:00

I found this over here. I haven't been tagged for it, but

\Madeline Mcewen-Asker aka the mother of the charming (and very very funny) Leo, Owen, Ella and Tamsin, and also of the cats Unis and Rascal I hope I have those names right :-D\ wrote:

If I’ve not tagged you, have a go yourself and then get back to me so that I can come and take a peek - I nosy like that!

1. What were you afraid of as a child?
Dogs, even before I was bitten.

2. When have you been most courageous?
Every time I go into a social situation, try something new or deal with the unexpected.

3. What sound most disturbs you?
Anything with a sharp attack (the very first part of the sound). Balloons popping, certain drum sounds, anything like that. The machinery used in certain food stores bothers me, too, and I used to be scared of the sound of hand dryers.

4. What is the greatest amount of physical pain you’ve been in?
During this: (happened months ago)

Ok so this is what has been happening to me.
On Thursday night I was sick. This may be totally unrelated to the other stuff but I thought I'd mention it in case it isn't.
On Friday I'm fine.
On Saturday and Sunday I get a headache and start feeling all achy. I figure that it's just stress and ignore it.
By Sunday night I have pain in the left side of my chest that worsens when I take a deep breath. The muscles across my shoulders, neck and upper arms are also very stiff and sore. The pain ranges from aching to crushing to tearing. By the time I go to bed it feels like my entire chest is being crushed and like the muscles in my chest, neck and shoulders are being ripped apart. I have to lie on my right side all night because lying on my left side hurts. Any movement intensifies the pain.
The next morning (Monday) I am sore but not too bad. That day my boyfriend has an argument with his mother that upsets me. On the train on the way home the pain gets so bad that I can hardly breathe. I try to take a deep breath and get a stabbing pain in the left side of my chest. The pain is all over my upper body by now and lasts for a good quarter of an hour. It is a tearing, stabbing and crushing pain all at once. It is very frightening. It lasts for about 20 minutes then subsides from agonising to merely extremely painful.
On the bus I cancel the lesson that I am meant to be teaching that night because I can hardly stand or talk.
I go home and take 2 Panadol. I stay very still because it hurts to
-move
-laugh
-do anything that involves putting strain on the left side of my body
- have feelings
- breathe deeply
-cough
- enter a cold room, because I start shivering
- lie down

All of these things start the pain again and make my muscles go into very painful spasms.
I stay very still for a whle and the pain subsides to a dull ache. However, because I can't take a decent breath the lack of oxygen makes me lethargic and my body tries to keep yawning to get more oxygen in.
I go to bed. This morning, I wake up and I can take a deep breath, but when I do so I feel like it is putting strain on the muscles on the left side of my chest and on the left side of my neck and my left shoulder. When I move it hurts my chest etc. The most comfortable position is sitting up and leaning forward slightly. My neck is extremely stiff and the left side of my chest is all tight and crampy.

5. What’s your biggest fear for your children? (or children in general if you don’t have your own)
That they'll lose their sense of wonder and curiosity. Too often, they do.

6. What is the hardest physical challenge you’ve achieved?
Riding my bike about 20km.

7. Which do you prefer: Mountains or oceans/big water?
The ocean. Both are good, though.

8. What is the one thing you do for yourself that helps you keep everything together?
Compose.

9. Ever had a close relative or friend with cancer?
Both maternal grandparents.

10. What are the things your friends count on you for?
Uhhhh... they can... ummm.... always count on me to forget to call them?

11. What is the best part of being in a committed relationship?
Someone to care about how your day was.

12. What is the hardest part of being in a committed relationship?
Where do I start?

13. Summer or Winter? Why?
Winter. Cold weather invigorates me, and the winters here come with beautiful clear blue skies. Summer is sweaty, with cockroaches.

14. Have you ever been in a school-yard fight? Why and what happened?
Yes. I don't remember why, and nothing much happened. A few punches thrown, a few bruises as a result.

15. Why blog?
Why do anything?

16. Did you learn about sex, and/or sex safety from your parents?
Yes, from my mother. She told me the basics at age 4. I was fascinated, and for a long time afterwards, when I played with my Play-Doh, I would take two little lumps, pretend that they were an egg and a sperm, mash them together, then add more to make a baby.

17. How do you plan to talk to your kids about sex and/or sex safety?
I do not plan to have kids.

18. What are you most thankful for this year?
That I have not suffered from any severe depressive episodes.

Choices, choices.

2007-11-17T09:05:00.000-05:00

More specifically, the difficulty of making choices when there is someone in the same room asking you to make a choice. We'll use food as an example.
I often buy my lunch in a food court in Brisbane. The prices are reasonable, the food is good at the places that I go to and if I don't go between the hours of 11 and 2 I can avoid any sensory overload. I usually don't have trouble deciding on what to eat. It's a simple matter of
1. Check for wallet.
2. Count money, now I know what I can afford.
3. Put wallet in backpack again.
4. Decide on food. I go back to 3 or 4 places all the time, so this is easy. At the most, it involves a couple of circuits of the food court while I decide.
5. Attempt to find wallet again. IT'S NOT THERE! Panic.
6. It's in the other compartment, you idiot.
7. Count money again.
8. Line words up.
9. Approach counter. Count money again. (Me, obsessive-compulsive?)
10. Place order, or alternatively just point to what I want, while counting money.
11. Exchange money for food.
12. Find table. Sit, get out book, eat.
Simple. Easy.

With another person, it's not so easy. Firstly, there is the fact that just having another person interacting with me does strange things to my ability to function. Secondly, a lot of the time my way of knowing what I want involves wandering around looking at things until something appeals. I cannot say straight off, "I want sushi with fresh salmon" (to use an example). Finally, having another person there complicates things, because if you are sharing something, you have to take their preferences into account. Even if it's a place like a food court where you can just get different food, it makes a difference.

Even worse is when people ask me to make a decision about something that will happen later in the day. For example
My mother: "Rachel, what would you like for dinner tonight?"
Me (thinking) It's 1pm, I'm not hungry, I may feel like different food tonight, and the only thing on my mind is this article on genetic disorders.
Me: "Ummmmm... I... don't know?"

As a footnote, does anyone have strategies for getting rid of an annoying stim? I've developed one where I click my jaw constantly. It is embarrassing and I've done it so much that my jaw hurts.

Update on my life

2007-11-15T09:12:00.000-05:00

Well, today I finished what should hopefully be the final exam of my degree. Providing I've passed everything this semester, in December I'll be awarded a Bachelor of Music in Composition. I've been extremely busy, which is the reason for the silence on this blog. I'll start up again soon. For now, enjoy this picture.

Bad News

2007-10-11T08:18:00.000-05:00

My older brother hung himself.
We hadn't spoken for almost a decade, and he was an abusive bastard. Nonetheless, he was still my brother, and probably closer to me than anyone else in our family.

RIP Robert 1980- 2007

Closure

2007-09-30T00:00:00.000-05:00

I don't know if anyone remembers this post about the situation with my boyfriend wanting kids and me not wanting them. After this happened, I tried unsuccessfully to contact him a few times. I've been on tenterhooks not knowing what's going on and where we stand with each other. I do not like uncertainty.
Last night, though, he was on MSN. I said hi to him. After half an hour, I was about to give up and go to bed, when he responded. (I think he was playing WoW and not watching his MSN window.) We ended up speaking for a couple of hours.

It's definitely over between us. However, we seem to have stayed friends, and by the look of things, we will remain close, which is good. He says that he's missed me and that the reason he didn't answer his phone was that his phone was playing up, which, knowing what his phone's like, is true.

It was great to talk to him again after 2 months of no contact.

Bullying, Rudeness, And Blaming The Victims

2007-09-14T06:23:00.000-05:00

There is a free newspaper that I read. In this newspaper, as in most newspapers, there is a section where people can write in and offer their opinions. These letters are mainly on a few themes- how fat people are bad and should pay for two seats on trains, how all teenagers are the scum of the earth, how people shouldn't be allowed to use mobile phones or iPods on public transport, the inadequacies of the public transport system, and the fact that people complain too much.

Recently, there was a letter from a young man complaining about people being rude to fast food workers. I can't remember his exact words, but it brought tears to my eyes to read about how he died inside a little more each time someone treated him as though he were somehow beneath them.

I had expected to see letters the next day supporting him and condemning rudeness. However, once again I had overestimated my fellow humans. One letter pointed out that "people are rude and irrational" and said that he should just grow a thicker skin. One told him to get a better job if he couldn't "take it". One even went so far as to say that he "must be emo" (an insult thrown around by 12-year-olds and people who don't want to admit that they've behaved like arseholes). Only one letter spoke out in support of him.

If people are rude, if they treat someone like dirt and the person is upset about it, who is at fault? The person who is upset? The person who is obviously just too thin-skinned and probably needs a dose of the real world, or something? People are rude and irrational, you know. And because they are, that justifies being rude.

If people go around stabbing people, and the person who is bleeding all over the place complains, whose fault is it? People should just learn to have stronger skin and better healing capabilities. People are violent, you know. If you can't hack it, you are just a pathetic whining little emo who can't take life.

The above 2 paragraphs are both ridiculous. Most people would easily recognise that the latter of the two is obviously not serious. I'd like to hope that most people realise that the former is also sarcastic in tone. However, judging by what I've been reading, many people would agree with it.

If someone stabs someone, they are the one at fault. If someone is rude to someone, if someone chooses to treat someone else like dirt on the bottom of their shoes, they are the one at fault. They are the who that should change. Becoming upset is a normal reaction to being treated as less than human. To be blamed for your reaction and told that it's you, not the person who is actually at fault who needs to change...
I don't understand how anyone could take that attitude.

Being a member of an autism forum, I read stories about bullying that people face at school and in the workplace. All too often, I also read that along with the bullying comes the attitude that it is the person being bullied that needs to change, not the bullies.

Why do they need to change? What could a child have done to deserve bullying?
So they flap their hands and make other strange movements. Big deal. If things like that bother you to the extent that you have to try and make another person's life a living hell, you've got problems.
So sometimes they might get overloaded or frustrated and have a meltdown. That's still no excuse.
So they don't quite know how to fit in with other people, so they pace around the edges of the playground, so their approach to making friends involves delivering monologues on their special interests, so they are off in their own little world, so they are just such STRANGE KIDS.
Big deal! They are people, and they deserve to be treated as such.

When people are rude, when people are bullies, their targets will become upset. This doesn't mean that the targets need to "grow a thicker skin" or "get a dose of reality", it means that the rude, bullying people need to learn to act like decent human beings. It's as simple as that.

Wish Me Luck!

2007-09-02T15:45:00.000-05:00

I have to give a 15-minute oral presentation this morning on the composer Margaret Brandman. I am trying to remember that I want to come across as witty, erudite and well-spoken, not as unable to get a sentence out. (In fact, I have been visualising myself finishing sentences with ease. :-) )

Reasons for self-harm: a table of comparison

2007-08-30T08:54:00.001-05:00

Click on the picture to enlarge it.

Questions taken from http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html.

AS superiority? NT superiority?

2007-08-28T07:12:00.000-05:00

We've all heard the attitudes that some people display toward us. I'm not going to repeat them here. We've all heard them too many times already. What they amount to, however, is that we are somehow lesser people than people who aren't autistic.

On one of the forums that I frequent , there is a pervasive attitude that non-autistic people are inferior. Words such as "illogical", "shallow", "liars", "incapable of true feeling" (now, where have I heard THAT one before?).

All this talk about who is superior- it is bullshit. None of us are superior. We are different from each other, that's all. "Different" does not mean better. It does not mean worse. It just means "not the same".
There are good NTs. There are good autistics. There are bad NTs. There are bad autistics. I should not have to state something so obvious, but the fact is that there are far too many people who think that a difference in neurology somehow equates to a moral difference.

Part of the cause of this is, I think, that because we are looking at each other from the outside. When you are part of a group, it makes it harder to step back and see the flaws that tend to be common in that group. When you are not, it makes it easier to see their flaws. It makes it easier to comment on them, because it is not "people like you" who you are criticising as somehow less than human.

This needs to stop. We are all human. We are NOT made superior or inferior because of the way our brains are wired.

Understanding

2007-08-28T06:57:00.000-05:00

In the QWeekend liftout of the Courier-Mail a couple of weeks ago, there was an article about someone's relationship with her husband, who has Asperger's syndrome. It was not as bad as some articles I've seen that make the autistic person out to be some kind of an unfeeling monster- she spoke about her loneliness and not quite understanding what he did, but she also seemed to be trying to see things from his point of view. Once she discovered that he had AS, her understanding of him increased.

In the next week's issue, a letter to the editor talked about how horrible it was to have been married to someone with AS, and complained that the newspaper had only presented one side of the situation.

She was correct: the newspaper had only printed the non-AS perspective. This is typical of this newspaper. The only thing I can recall reading in it that discusses the autistic perspective was an interview with Daniel Tammet- talking more about his savantism than anything.

Where are the articles written by autistic people? If autistics and non-autistics wish to come to any sort of understanding with each other, we need to hear stories and opinions from both sides. We need to hear what it is like to be autistic and in a relationship with someone who isn't. We need to clear up the myths about "complete lack of empathy" "uncaring" "emotionless". We need people to know that we are PEOPLE, not some kind of strange monsters. Not aliens. But that will never happen if all that is published are articles by people who don't know what it is like to BE us.

What are the chances of this happening? I don't know. "Autistics are people too, and their views should be heard" doesn't make as good a headline as "Come and look at them, they're so DIFFERENT!"

Me, non-freakish.

2007-08-17T07:10:00.000-05:00

Here is what I look like when I'm not dressed up as a hunchback.

(Clicking should enlarge. It looks better at its full size.)

The smile is fairly genuine. The posture shows that I was slightly on edge because of the birds on my head. The boy in the background is my youngest brother, Andrew. It was taken at the Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary.

Shapes are fun!

2007-08-12T07:50:00.000-05:00

(Or, Rachel's Sunday evening perseveration.)

I drew these tonight.

Noticing differences, accepting your autistic traits, and such things.

2007-08-12T01:07:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been noticing 'normal' people doing things in a way that is rather different from how I do them, and having to laugh at the constant realisations that yes, my brain is wired differently. These things relate, for the most part, to sensory issues.
A couple of examples: I was on a train, and I noticed someone reading a magazine. They had the magazine resting on their arms. When I read, I always have the book/magazine/whatever resting on my backpack, because the edges of the pages dig into my skin painfully. I have been compensating for this for so long that I do it without thinking. Until I saw someone without this issue, I had forgotten that most people are fine with having books etc touch their skin.

A similar example is when I saw someone reading a book on the grass, propped up on their arms. In that situation, I would need a blanket/sheet to stop the grass from digging into me, and something to rest my arms on to prevent my shoulders and arms from stiffening and locking up.

The funniest example would have to this one. I was in a lecture, and we were listening to Penderecki's Threnody for the Victims of Hiroshima. I had heard this piece, but it was so many years ago that I did not recognise it. We (the students) were asked to write down our impressions of the piece. When people read their impressions out, most people had images of war and terror. My imagery was of a large, crowded shopping centre. Do we detect a slight difference in perception between me and the other students?

When it comes to sensory issues like this, I can laugh at my differences. However, it is another matter with social issues. Whenever I think about the fact that I spend my time at university either in class or alone at the library, that I have only one person who I see on a regular basis and that none of my classmates would ever think of me as someone to invite out for coffee/drinks/involve in their social gatherings, it bothers me. I feel as though there is something wrong with me. But why should this be the case? I'm fine spending time with myself. My time in the library is spent reading, researching, and learning- my favourite activities. If I went out for drinks, I'd hate it- a crowded bar is NOT my idea of fun. I am perplexed and overwhelmed by social gatherings involving more than 3 or 4 people. In short, I'm fine the way I am. It's only when I start comparing myself to 'normal' people that there's a problem. (Still, it would be nice to be invited out with people for drinks or whatever sometimes. It's good to feel valued.)

Thanks

2007-08-05T06:27:00.000-05:00

To those people who offered support following my last post.
I'm calmer than I was when I made the post, but still far from alright. This is a situation where being obsessive, having no close friends and being almost incapable of discussing one's feelings are NOT good things.
I'm still in some danger of hurting myself, but it would be more along the lines of damage to my skin and possibly some muscles rather than bones broken and major blood vessels severed.
Luckily for me, this isn't affecting my uni work, as I've been focussing on my assignments as a way of distracting myself.

My heart is breaking

2007-07-31T08:09:00.000-05:00

N.B.
I'm right on the edge of something halfway between a meltdown, shutdown and a panic attack, so if this doesn't make sense, I apologise in advance.

I think I've mentioned my boyfriend before. He is brilliantly intelligent, funny, and passionate, and the two of us love each other a lot. We've been together 16 months today.

Recently, we went on holiday together. During a light-hearted conversation, he said
"Well, you'll never handle kids if you can't handle THAT!"
My reply was, as always,
"I don't want kids."
"What, not ever?"
"No!"
He turned away with the saddest expression I've ever seen on his face. When I asked him what was wrong, he said that he couldn't see things working out with me in the long term because he wants kids.

We spoke again tonight, and at the moment he is "seeing how he feels".

This is going to break us up. This is going to break us up while we still love each other.

This sucks.

Despite knowing all my life that love cannot and does not solve anything, despite making scathing attacks on the view that love solves everything, I still wish that it was enough that we love each other, that apart from this issue, we are great for each other. But that doesn't happen. This is reality. And so my heart is breaking.

I'm shaking. I could hardly walk across the carpark at the train station tonight. I'm having to bounce my body off walls just to keep centred and know where I am in space. I'm in danger of hurting myself. Badly. On the way home tonight, it was such a strain to keep from crying in public (I wasn't entirely successful with that) that I gave myself a nosebleed. I never have nosebleeds.

I don't know what to do.

The Autistic Theme Song

2007-07-28T06:23:00.000-05:00

"If You're Happy and You Know It, Flap Your Hands."

An update on uni, and a report on a minor miracle.

2007-07-28T06:02:00.000-05:00

Firstly, the minor miracle.
As all of my friends and family know, and as anyone who has read this post may have guessed, I am very disorganised. It causes far more problems for me than my lack of social skills.
This week, I have managed to go an entire week and manage to get everything done that I'd planned to do, and to always have everything that I need for university and work. For me, to go two DAYS without forgetting something that I need to do/have with me is an achievement. Managing to do this for a whole WEEK is unheard of.
I'm hoping that this will be one of those situations that is typical of my development. My normal pattern of development goes something like this:
:Insert skill x here.
:Rachel cannot do x.
:Rachel cannot do x.
:Rachel cannot do x.
:Rachel still cannot do x.
:Rachel still cannot do x.
:Rachel still cannot do x.
:Rachel still cannot do x.
:How on Earth did Rachel learn to do x so well?

I think that in this case, it is a combination of a lot of extra effort on my part, and my normal pattern of skill development.

University is going well. Very busy and stressful, though. The group work shouldn't be too bad: in most of my classes, I know at least one person.

Interesting.

2007-07-26T08:18:00.000-05:00

Linky

Is this why they call autistics "freaks"?

2007-07-24T06:35:00.000-05:00

I am on the right. The person with the Homer Simpson head is my friend Hayley.

(It was taken at a party where the theme was "Freaks and Geeks". Once I get a more flattering, recent photo, I might post it here.)

Aaargh!!! Group Work!!!!!!!!!! (insert more exclamation marks here)

2007-07-24T06:10:00.000-05:00

" Title
The origin and early development of the intrinsic innervation in the foetal mouse lung / by Cecilia Jenny Tollet."
??? What on Earth is that article doing in the MusicAustralia online site???

(I am getting sidetracked before I've started. Possibly not a good sign.)

I have just started what should be my final semester of uni. (The final semester of my degree, anyway, I plan on doing postgraduate studies in the future.)

" Title
Quantum chaos : spectral analysis of floquet operators / James Matthew McCaw."

Once again: it sounds fascinating, but what in God's name does it have to do with music?

(Back on track.)

On Sunday night, I was reading through the course outlines to see what sort of an assessment load I would be faced with. It is a heavy workload (as expected: I have taken on the maximum permitted credit load)and to make things A LOT more difficult, three out of five of the subjects will involve group work. If I have interpreted the course outlines correctly, one subject's assessment will be based almost entirely on work done in small groups.
This is a problem.

1. I don't know how to get into groups. I don't know how to approach people to ask if I can be in their group, and I don't know how to steer a conversation towards finding out if anyone is interested in working on the same topics as I am.

2. Well, why can't I just ask my friends in the class?
Because in most of my classes, I don't HAVE any friends. I could ask for the lecturers' help, but it feels rather stupid to say what amounts to
"I am 23 years old, supposedly highly intelligent, well-educated, and, yes, I was just having a good conversation with you 5 minutes ago, but I'm not sure of how to make and keep friends."

3. Ok, so I have managed to join a group. Because of face processing troubles, it takes me all semester to be able to recognise members of my group. And that is only when they are in the class; it takes even longer to be able to recognise people outside of their normal context.

4. In groups, you are required to participate. This brings up a couple of problems. The first is of not knowing how to break into a conversation. Bev at Asperger Square 8 made a good post about this issue I can, if I concentrate, read the body language that non-autistics use to keep a group conversation flowing. I have never been able to successfully utilise this body language to help me participate.
Secondly, it takes time for me to be able to form words and to get them coming out of my mouth in the right order. By the time I have a sentence formed and guaranteed to sound coherent, the conversation has moved on.

My initial reaction to these difficulties was to beat my head against the desk (just once, and there were no iron bars in sight...) and contemplate who I should kill first.

My second reaction was more rational, as my second reactions to stressors tend to be. I decided to find solutions to these problems.

1 and 2. Just SPEAK to the lecturer if you are having problems. Most of them don't bite. STOP anticipating the worst.

3. Explain this difficulty to someone in the group, and ask if they would get me to come over to the group in subsequent classes if I do not automatically join them. Most people at the Conservatorium are very accomodating and would gladly do this.

4. Get the email addresses of the group members. Explain the difficulties I have, and ask if I can email my ideas to someone.

I will post an update on how the group work goes when I have tested my ideas.

A lesson: If You MUST have a meltdown...

2007-07-13T06:41:00.000-05:00

... and you know that you hurt yourself during meltdowns, for God's sake, STAY AWAY FROM SOLID METAL BARS!!!

Luckily for me, it only came near my arm and not my head. My arm is slightly weak, my hand is slowed down (when I try to clench it I have to concentrate for a couple of seconds to get it to move) , it is swollen and I don't have as much sense of where my hand is, so I think I've done some damage. It still works, though, and it seems to be getting better so I'm not too worried.

Ouchie ouch ouch.

(And I've ALREADY crippled myself this week when I attempted to walk out of the bathroom and walked smack bang into the door, hurting my knee.)

Going on holiday

2007-07-13T06:38:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow, my boyfriend and I are going up to Coolum (on the Sunshine Coast) for a holiday. We will be gone for 3 nights. This is the first holiday that I've been on that hasn't involved someone's parents (or grandparents) being there. Surely this counts as some sort of developmental milestone?

Because of my autism

2007-07-11T19:49:00.000-05:00

I was reading this post here recently. It discusses the fact that many people will explain their children's weaknesses as being caused by their autism, but when the child has a strength that is noticeable, it will rarely be explained as being caused by their autism.
(Joel puts the issue into words a lot better than I have here, so anyone who is reading should follow the link to his post.)
In the spirit of recognising the strengths that come with autism, a list follows of some of my positive traits that I believe are caused by my autism.

1. I was reading before I was three because of my autism.

2. I can be perfectly happy alone, and I almost never feel lonely, because of my autism.

3. I can get along with people of different ages and backgrounds, as I do not notice many of the differences between them, because of my autism.

4. I had learnt enough about music to have composed my first symphony before I was 18, because of my autism.

5. I can focus for up to 6 hours at a time on subjects that interest me, which means that I get huge amounts of work done, because of my autism.

6. I am very much at home in an academic environment, because of my autism.

I'll finish at 7 because it is my favourite number...

7. I can spell almost perfectly, and do sums in my head faster than most people can press the buttons on a calculator, because of my autism.

"She's off in her own little world"

2007-07-08T10:02:00.001-05:00

It's not little.

More on uni results- composition folio report

2007-07-04T22:20:00.000-05:00

My written examination report just came in the mail.

"We are pleased to see the substantial growth in Rachel's work. Congratulations on the variety of works and the huge amount of music written. Excellent development!"

Signed: Stephen Cronin, Stephen Leek, Gerard Brophy.

Is it possible to make your head fall off because of smiling too much?

Uni Results

2007-07-03T07:58:00.000-05:00

20th and 21st Century Performance Practice:
I didn't hand in 4 assignments which totalled 24% of the total grade. (I lost the criteria sheets).
I received a Pass for this subject.

Composition Project:
I lost track of the time for 13 weeks while doing this, and thus had to complete a 4000-word report in less than a week.
I received a Credit for this subject.

Major Study- Composition:
I received a High Distinction, which is the highest possible grade. This is the first time since this morning that I've calmed down enough to be able to type coherently, I am so happy.

You may have poor motor skills if...

2007-06-10T06:28:00.000-05:00

1. The lid of the can of cooking spray gives you significant problems.
2. The ground rises and trips you every so often.
3. Doorways shift sideways when you walk through them, causing you to collide with the doorframe.
4. Inanimate objects seem to hold a grudge against you.
5. You are capable of hurting your hand while turning a key in a lock.
6. You have hit your head on a shop counter that was only as high as your waist.
7. You hurt your right ear and left shoulder while getting into a car.
8. You still haven't managed the art of buttoning your shirt correctly on the first attempt.
9. ... or the art of drinking a glass of water and getting it all in your mouth rather than on
your chin
your left ear
the table
the floor
your shoulder
your left arm
your nose
your cleavage
the front of your pants
your back
your foot
the dog

You may have a problem with organisational skills if...

2007-06-10T06:12:00.000-05:00

1. You have seriously considered stapling important documents to your head to prevent yourself losing them.
2. You are proud of yourself for starting a large essay a week before the due date instead of two days before the due date.
3. If you wrote an algorithm for "going to the shops" it would include the step "locate shoe" and, as a separate step, "locate other shoe."
4. You have ever had this conversation:
"Have you seen my shirt?"
"Is it in your wardrobe?"
"Don't be ridiculous!"
5. You are surprised and outraged when you find your belongings in your proper places, because you would NEVER put them THERE.
6. A place for everything, and everything in something else's place.
7. "Where is my head? Don't tell me I left it unscrewed AGAIN."
8. You put things in a safe place. The next morning, they aren't there.
9. You plan to scan every paper document into your computer because you are so sick of losing them.
10. You forget to do this.
11. You have ever lost track of the time...

for 13 weeks.
12. Doing something right away= waiting less than a week to do it.

My God...

2007-06-10T05:41:00.000-05:00

Is THIS what it feels like to be a parent?
My family has gone to Sydney for the weekend, and I'm at home looking after the cat and the dog (who is sitting on my lap right now and making typing very difficult.)
On Friday, I had to go to university to hand in an assignment. Because of delayed trains and a second-rate bus service, I was home quite a lot later than I had planned to be. I spent the time away from home worrying about my dog. About how lonely she would be on her own, about whether I'd shut the gates properly so that she wouldn't get on the road, about whether I'd remembered to put her food and water outside for her, about whether maybe her water wasn't clean enough and maybe I should have changed it. Not to mention "what if a dog-hating maniac gets into my yard and cuts her in half?"
When I got home, everything was fine, I got a warm welcome, and the state of ok-ness was the greatest thing in the world.
That night, she insisting on sleeping under the covers on my bed. I was worried that she wouldn't be getting enough air, and put her back on her bed a number of times. Each time, she came back under my covers. I spent the night panicking about her air supply and waking up to check that she was still breathing.
Last night, I was more relaxed, but still vigilant.
My main concern for this weekend has been keeping her happy and healthy, making sure that she is fed and hydrated and not bored. And every second has been spent worrying that I'm getting it wrong.
Is this what parents go through? This worry, every day, for years, for DECADES? How do they COPE?

*Note- I know that this post doesn't talk much about my cat. My cat is fine on his own and is a lot better at looking after himself than my dog is. That doesn't mean that I haven't been periodically finding him and checking to make sure that he is breathing.

What you see/what you don't see

2007-06-03T19:35:00.000-05:00

You see a child who has "turned on the waterworks" because they are in trouble for not doing something that they had been asked to.

You don't see that this is a child who had genuinely forgotten, and who has just been yelled at, and who is terrified by people yelling.

You see that this child can remember things when she wants to, and anyway, she is so good at schoolwork, why can't she remember to do the dishes or hang out the washing?

You don't see that this child isn't doing anything wrong on purpose, that this child is just as puzzled by the discrepancy between her ability to retain information and her lack of ability to keep her life organised or to remember to do her chores, that this child sometimes just needs one more reminder to do things that she has forgotten to do.

You don't see that this is child who knows that these difficulties are caused by a brain that works differently to yours, and is frustrated by her inability to explain this to you. Not that you'd listen.

You see a lazy child who can't be bothered tidying their bedroom or desk.

You don't see that this child was not aware of the untidyness until it was pointed out to them. You don't see that the reason this child "can't be bothered" tidying it is because they are overwhelmed and don't have any idea where to start.

You put the timer on and tell the child that if they don't finish (insert chore here) (insert punishment here) will happen.

You don't realise what that sort of pressure does to a brain that is already overloaded.

You see a child that "can't have a conversation that isn't about something that she's read." (My father made that accusation against me once. I ask you, what sort of thing is that to say to an 11-year-old?)

You don't see the joy that this child gets from books, the rich universe that they hold for her. You don't see how proud this child is of her ability to retain every bit of information that she reads. You don't see that this child repeats things from books because she thought that other people might also find these things to be interesting.

You see a teenager that has "no social life", and berate her for it.

You don't see that she has seen too much of the bad side of her peers to want much to do with them. You don't see that her friends' idea of fun is going to a nightclub full of flashing lights and noise and people, which is her idea of hell.

You see that the same teenager can't be bothered washing her hair/tidying her bedroom/etc etc etc.

Did you bother asking why? When you are struggling just to stay alive, everything else takes a low priority. When you want to die, clean hair somehow doesn't matter as much.

You see that your child is still living at home at the age of 23, and that she is smart enough to be able to move out.

You don't see that she hates knowing that she is a burden. You don't see that she knows that even if she had the time to earn enough to support herself while completing a university degree, she could not cope with the stress. You don't see that she knows how many of her university colleagues are supporting themselves, and that this makes her feel inadequate. You don't hear the constant repetition in her mind of the question "If I am so smart, why do act so stupid; why am I behind my peers in so many ways?"

Why My Mother Is The Type Of Parent That I Like

2007-05-27T19:33:00.000-05:00

When I was born, I screamed constantly. The only thing that would console me (i.e. shut me up for two ****** seconds) was for my mother to pick me up and walk around with me, or to take me out for a walk in my pram. My mother must have found this extremely stressful. She admits now that there were times when she half-seriously wished that she could swap me for her parents' cat. She did not do this. She did not think that my unceasing screams were a sign that I was a bad, burdensome baby who was a blight upon the face of the earth. She thought that I was a difficult, very unrelaxed baby, and that this was just something that she had to deal with.

When I was in preschool, I was diagnosed with high muscle tone and sent to have physiotherapy and occupational therapy. My mother did not cry about her poor little disabled child who needed to be fixed, she did not complain about the expense of these therapies: she simply went through my exercises with me and made sure that I enjoyed them and was motivated to do them.

Not long before I was due to start school, my mother was told that I was not socially ready for school. (Possibly because I spent all my time alone and rarely seemed to acknowledge the existence of the other children. (I knew that that they were there, I just didn't see what they had to do with me.)) She could have wept and gnashed her teeth at the tragedy of her child who was NEVER, EVER going to have ANY friends. She didn't. She accepted the situation and explained it to me. I was disappointed , as I had been looking forward to starting school.

I had speech therapy all through high school and some way into high school. Once again, my mother did not lament the fact that her child COULDN'T TALK PROPERLY. She knew that speech problems ran in her side of the family (she stopped talking as a child and had speech therapy, I stopped talking for a few months after a bout of tonsillitis and had a lot of speech therapy, my brother didn't talk until he was three and had some speech therapy, and my youngest brother had more speech therapy than me.) and that this was just a problem to be dealt with.

I was bullied through most of my school years. My mother did not take this as a sign that my life was one of unremitting tragedy and that I should never have been bought into the world. She read it as a sign that children are cruel and will tend to pick on anyone who is different. In her eyes, I was not the problem; the bullies were.

At the age of 21, I came to the conclusion, after A LOT of reading and thinking, that I had Asperger's syndrome, and that that was the cause of many of my differences and difficulties throughout my life. I told my mother of this discovery. She did not say
"No, there is no way you are autistic, autism is a tragedy, no child of mine is one of THOSE people, and besides, all autistic people (insert stereotype here)."
She listened to what I had to say, and said that maybe being autistic wasn't such a bad thing after all. She listened to some of the things that I had remembered from my childhood and said that she had never thought of them in that light. She LISTENED.

That's Odd...

2007-05-26T08:46:00.000-05:00

My "Others Online" profile is listing me as 24 years old and male.
I am not. I am 23 and female.

More light-hearted stuff

2007-05-26T08:36:00.000-05:00

Wasting time with pointless online quizzes.

My social deficit

Your Social Dysfunction:
Schizotypal

You display social deficits and oddities of thinking. Your perception and communication are similar to those of a schizophrenic.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.

What will my epitaph say?

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

-------------

Light-hearted stuff

2007-05-26T08:28:00.000-05:00

I found this questionnare at This blog here and stole it to use in my own blog because I thought it was cool.

1. Yourself: Me
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend (spouse): Generous, sweet, sarcastic, depressed, anxious, brilliant
3. Your hair: Needs washing
4. Your mother: Is in the kitchen
5. Your Father: Works in disability services
6. Your Favorite Item: Is away for repairs!! I WANT MY CLARINET(S) BACK!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. Your dream last night: Not suitable for general viewing.
8. Your Favorite drink: Peppermint tea
9. Your Dream Car: Don't know
10. The room you are in: Doubles as my music teaching studio
11. Your Ex: I think he's in Melbourne. A good guy. An actor and dancer.
12. Your fear: Failure and inadequacy.
13. What you want to be in 10 years? I want more money than I have now. And to be very respected within the classical music industry and academia.
14. Who you hung out with last night? Family.
15. What You’re Not? Male
16. Muffins: Mmmmm yum. My best friend works at Muffin Break as a pastry chef apprentice.
17. One of Your Wish List Items: grand piano. I don't have an official wish list though.
18. Time: Not enough of it and too much to do. (My optimum condition.)
19. The Last Thing You Did: Read.
20. What You Are Wearing: Jeans, shirt, jacket, shoes.
21. Your Favorite Weather: cold, sunny, crisp, windy.
22. Your Favorite Book: I have read too many books to have only one favourite.
23. The Last Thing You Ate: 3 mandarins (The fruit: I don't eat Chinese people!).
24. Your Life: Is a life.
25. Your Mood: Hyped up, happy, buzzing, alert.
26. Your best friend: Never shuts up and is very funny.
27. What are you thinking about right now? Music, autism, my 4000-word assignment that is due in less than a week and which I haven't started, the three websites that I'm reading, what's for dinner...
28. Your car: Don't have one
29. What are you doing at the moment? Research... honestly....
30. Your summer: Is gone, thank God.
31. Your relationship status: In a relationship.
32. What is on your TV? Who cares?
33. What is the weather like? Cold-ish.
34. When is the last time you laughed? Today, after managing to come out with the line "It's not nice to nail your sister!"

The Greatest Feeling

2007-05-12T05:10:00.000-05:00

As stated in my "About You" paragraph, I am a composer. One of the things I am working on at the moment is a setting of Henry Kendall's poem After Many Years

After Many Years
By Henry Kendall
4/18/1841-8/1/1882

The song that once I dreamed about,
The tender, touching thing,
As radiant as the rose without,
The love of wind and wing:
The perfect verses, to the tune
Of woodland music set,
As beautiful as afternoon,
Remain unwritten yet.

It is too late to write them now --
The ancient fire is cold;
No ardent lights illume the brow,
As in the days of old.
I cannot dream the dream again;
But, when the happy birds
Are singing in the sunny rain,
I think I hear its words.

I think I hear the echo still
Of long-forgotten tones,
When evening winds are on the hill
And sunset fires the cones;
But only in the hours supreme,
With songs of land and sea,
The lyrics of the leaf and stream,
This echo comes to me.

No longer doth the earth reveal
Her gracious green and gold;
I sit where youth was once, and feel
That I am growing old.
The lustre from the face of things
Is wearing all away;
Like one who halts with tired wings,
I rest and muse to-day.

There is a river in the range
I love to think about;
Perhaps the searching feet of change
Have never found it out.
Ah! oftentimes I used to look
Upon its banks, and long
To steal the beauty of that brook
And put it in a song.

I wonder if the slopes of moss,
In dreams so dear to me --
The falls of flower, and flower-like floss --
Are as they used to be!
I wonder if the waterfalls,
The singers far and fair,
That gleamed between the wet, green walls,
Are still the marvels there!

Ah! let me hope that in that place
Those old familiar things
To which I turn a wistful face
Have never taken wings.
Let me retain the fancy still
That, past the lordly range,
There always shines, in folds of hill,
One spot secure from change!

I trust that yet the tender screen
That shades a certain nook
Remains, with all its gold and green,
The glory of the brook.
It hides a secret to the birds
And waters only known:
The letters of two lovely words --
A poem on a stone.

Perhaps the lady of the past
Upon these lines may light,
The purest verses, and the last,
That I may ever write:
She need not fear a word of blame:
Her tale the flowers keep --
The wind that heard me breathe her name
Has been for years asleep.

But in the night, and when the rain
The troubled torrent fills,
I often think I see again
The river in the hills;
And when the day is very near,
And birds are on the wing,
My spirit fancies it can hear
The song I cannot sing.

At 10 stanzas, this is quite a long poem to set. Yesterday, I was halfway through the first verse and already had over three minutes of music. I was considering only setting one or two of the verses. I would not have liked to do this, as the poem holds together very well as a whole, but I do have to have my folio in by the due date.

I decided to sit down and compose as much as I good. And it has been going so well that it feels like it is composing itself. It is THAT- when your ideas flow on from each other without pause, when every idea that you have sounds brilliant, when you know for sure that you are an excellent composer- THAT is the best feeling in the world. It feels like this picture.

The poem is being set for tenor and an orchestra consisting of an expanded string section (extra cellos), 1 flute, 1 oboe, 1 clarinet in A and one French horn.

10 Ways To Tell That I Like You

2007-05-10T07:15:00.000-05:00

1. I am conversing with you, and it is actually a reciprocal conversation- i.e. NOT you talking and me inserting the occasional "Mmm" "Yeah" "Uh" etc, and NOT me delivering a lecture on my special interests.

2. I have approached you and made an attempt at a reciprocal exchange.

3. I seek out physical contact with you.

4. You touch me without prior warning, I hit you reflexively, and I DON'T apologise for hitting you because if you know me THAT well, you should be able to remember that I hate being touched without warning.

5. I use the evil instrument of evil (i.e. the telephone) to call you and make plans.

6. I use the evil instrument of evil to call you just to talk.

7. I suggest that we might like to do something together sometime.

8. I apologise to you if I know I'm being uncommunicative, and it is a sincere apology.

9. I spend more than a few minutes in your company and still appear to be actively engaged with talking to you.

10. I give you an honest answer to the question "How are you?"

Today's Restricted and Stereotyped Interest is brought to you by the letter A and the number 7

2007-05-09T18:53:00.000-05:00

Which, by the way, are my favourite letter and number, because they are pointy (I love sharp angles, and because 7 can be represented this way
.,. , .,. - Two identical, symmetrical groups on either side of one thing.

But anyway, today's and last nights fixation is collective nouns. Collective nouns are the coolest thing in the world.
For instance, did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Groups of bats, ants and termites are all known as colonies. A group of ants can also be known as an army.
We have a school of fish, a pod of whales, a fleet or an armada of ships.
Bees are grouped into a hive or a swarm depending on how they are behaving at the time.
I'm not sure about humans, but I think a good term would be an annoyance of humans.
A group of lions is a pride. I suggested last night that a group of cats should be called a miracle or a battle. My brother suggested "a temporary alliance of cats.
I have just looked up cats, and found many terms
clowder of cats
clutter of cats
glaring of cats
pounce of cats
dout of cats (house cats)
nuisance of cats (house cats)
kendle of cats (kittens)
kindle of cats (kittens)
litter of cats (kittens)
destruction of cats (wild cats)
Some of those are very appropriate. Some reflect the attitudes of some people toward cats. And there are a couple of new words there for me to look up.

A sounder of boar, thats a good one.
A cartload of chimpanzees.
Crows can also be called a storytelling.
An implausibility of gnus: that is so cool!
A prickle of hedgehogs, that one made me smile.
Go here for more collective nouns.

Picture!

2007-05-08T20:18:00.000-05:00

I made this the other night. The cat on the left is Sebastian, who died over a year a

go. The cat on the right is George. The eyes are mine. The cats are/were both autistic, as cats tend to be, and awesome, as cats also tend to be.

How to deal with autistic people, part 1: saying what you mean in the first place

2007-05-08T19:57:00.000-05:00

This post is about a problem that I face in just about all my relationships.
I will be with one of my friends. We have spent a few hours together, and we are relaxing and enjoying each other's company, or so I think. Then it begins: frowns and sighs from them. I ask what is wrong. They imply that I should know. They drop all sort s of "really obvious" hints. I can always pick up on the fact that they are trying to tell me that the situation is my fault, but I can never pick up on WHAT they are trying to tell me. And so I sit, waiting to be told what I've done wrong. I become more and more tense by the second, as I didn't have any intention to hurt my friend. And when they finally tell me what I've done wrong, it's always something really obvious. Things that an idiotic five-year-old could have picked up on. And I end up feeling stupid and like a horrible person for the rest of the week.

An example: I was at my boyfriends place last week. I was already on edge because of an incident with his laptop (I had been searching for the power cable. He had told me that it was in the front of his bag, and I could not find it because it had not occurred to me that the bag might be backwards, making the front into the back. (When you do cognitive tests and score in the top 2% of university students, those kind of mistakes really get to you.)). He had been unhappy for a while, but I had presumed that it was his usual depression. I had been asking what was wrong for a while, when he stood up and said
"What's wrong is that you have absolutely no compassion for me!"
"What... what... umm.. what are you TALKING about?!"
"Well, how long have you been here..."

"..."
"And you haven't asked how I'm coping with the funeral I went to!"
(Apologies from me.)
Now, my neglecting to ask about the funeral was because I was operating under a false set of assumptions. It was for the wife of a co-worker of his. He is extremely introverted, and does not associate with many people outside of work. Also, he has almost no female friends. For these reasons, I had thought that he had not really known the person. However, it turns out that he both knew and liked her.
While my mistake was a mistake and not due to a lack of compassion, I still should have thought to ask about the funeral, JUST IN CASE it was affecting him.

I became upset for the rest of the night.
Situations like this can be avoided by people SAYING WHAT THEY MEAN IN THE FIRST PLACE.
"I'm not coping with the funeral, and I could do with some support."
"The laptop goes in the OTHER pocket."
"Could I please get a glass of water?"
"You forgot to dry the dishes, could you please do them now?"
So much better than:
"You have absolutely no compassion for me!"
"I'm not a happy camper..."
"You have no consideration for your guests, can't you even remember to offer us a glass of water?" (You guys had no consideration for me, can't you even remember that it throws me completely off balance when people turn up unexpectedly and expect a warm welcome?)
"You are lazy, you do nothing to help around the house, we drive you everywhere, look, you can't even keep your room tidy, you can't hold up a conversation, oh, stop crying, you are just doing it to get sympathy, you can turn it on like a fountain..."

How hard is it to just say what you mean? And how hard it is to say things in simple words that do not imply that the person being spoken to is trying to upset you?

Introversion is not a bad thing

2007-05-01T22:29:00.000-05:00

I've read a number of accounts of the Virginia Tech shootings. Two of those accounts were in the Courier-Mail (the newspaper for QLD) and in a free daily newspaper that was handed out in Brisbane. The thing that stood out the most for me was that BOTH newspapers pointed out the fact that Cho was a loner. They stated this fact BEFORE they talked about his morbid fantasies, stalking etc. And that made me realise that whenever someone who preferred to spend time alone kills someone and it makes it into the papers, the papers will ALWAYS pick up on the fact that they preferred their own company and make a big deal out of it, as though introversion somehow = homicidal insanity.

If people were capable of forming their own opinions, this trend in reporting would not concern me. However, many people do trust the media as a reliable source of information. If they are unsure of their position on an issue, they can, and do, make up their minds based on things like newspaper articles. (This ability to let other people dictate your opinions to you frightens me, but that is a matter for another post.)

If there is a constantly expressed prejudice against a group, even if it is not explicitly stated (I have not yet seen a newspaper that comes out and says: "Those introverts, there's something fishy about them. Well, it's not natural, innit? People are meant to be around people."), that prejudice will seep into the popular consciousness. And we end up with sayings like "it's always the quiet ones who turn out to be the axe murderers". We end up with children being bullied because they prefer to go to the library rather than go out on the playground and play sport. People like me, people who consider going to the library, museum and art gallery ALONE a great day out, people who value learning more than they value meaningless interactions with anyone who happens to want to talk, people who have an identity that is not defined by other people- we are viewed as cold, elitist intellectual snobs who are out of touch with the real world. (Ok, ok, ok, I am elitist, at least when it comes to music.) It is as though there is something wrong with not always liking to be around people- as though introverts are somehow distorted or incomplete.

This idea is ridiculous. Roughly 25% of the world's population is introverted. Is the media somehow trying to suggest that a quarter of all people are twisted lunatics, just waiting for the right moment to go out and commit mass murder? I hope not. If that is not their intention, they need to stop this subtle vilification of introverted people.

This is ridiculous!

2007-05-01T17:18:00.000-05:00

I did not need to go into semi-meltdown mode over a change in the bus fares!!! Yes, it is a large change (the bus company is no longer accepting uni and TAFE ID cards as valid concession cards, which doubles my bus fares). Yes, it was unexpected. That does not mean that I have to start crying and go into a state where I have to use a lot of self-control not to destroy things on the bus! And it certainly doesn't mean that I have to spend the rest of the day with a headache, sore muscles and a clenched stomach!!!!
Damn OCD tendencies. Some days, it would be nice to be able to switch my AS off for a few hours...

Oh well. I'm feeling better today. And my parents were just as outraged as I was. My father is planning to ring the bus company, and the Minister for Transport, and the radio stations.

She is a person, not a label

2007-04-29T20:42:00.000-05:00

Both my parents have worked in disability services. My father has recently taken a job supervising a girl on a bus on the way to the local special school. He came home after the first day of this job looking exhausted, and at the dinner table he said to me:
"Did I tell you what she does?"
"No, you haven't spoken to me about the job yet."
I wait with bated breath, expected to hear something like "She hates all of her staff and attacks them with knives"
"She's a biter! And she bites EVERYTHING! The seats of the bus, pieces of wood..."
Oh no! The end of the world is at hand! This girl BITES THINGS!!!!
I take issue with her being labelled as a "biter." She is a person, not a behaviour. I tap my fingers against almost every avaiable surface, but noone would think of calling me a "tapper". If they did, I could defend myself against being shoved into such a narrow category. (No, really, I'm also a flapper, a rocker, a hand-chewer and a composer of symphonies...) This girl cannot speak to defend herself. It saddens me that she is (from what I can see) viewed as less of a person because of this.

My father went on to suggest that she wear a motorcyle helmet to stop her from biting. I suggested that perhaps people should try to find out the cause of her biting before they use a very visible solution that seems to be to be more like a punishment than an aid. He had no idea what had been tried already, but I suspect that it wasn't much. I bite things when I have a toothache or sore jaw, as the deep proprioceptive input eases the pain somewhat. My brother grinds his teeth when he is angry or under stress. My cousin bites the table and her plate when she is frustrated at not getting her food quickly enough. If a "normal" child was constantly biting things, every effort would be expended to find out why. However, it seems that this girl is only worth a throw-away solution. "Just put a motorcyle helmet on her, she won't be able to bite." True, but will she then be frustrated because of an irresistible compulsion to bite things that cannot be followed through on? I know! Maybe we could find out WHY she bites!
Oh, wait. She doesn't talk and she goes to the special school, she isn't even a real person.

She is a real person, and she does deserve to be treated like one.

Also, stop referring to her as "she". Her name is Susie, even I know that, and I don't work with her.

Irresponsible reporting (Not autism-related, but still an important issue

2007-04-29T20:36:00.000-05:00

There was an article
in the Sunday Mail yesterday about a "self-harm craze" that is "sweeping schools" where students cut themselves to "be part of the in crowd." I'm not sure how the newspaper worked out that this was the reason for self-harm, but it seems to be based on the information in these paragraphs:
Figures from Kids Helpline reveal more than one in 10 Queensland callers are harming themselves, a rise of 3 per cent since 2004.

General manager Wendy Protheroe said callers were aged 10 to 18, and urged parents to be vigilant.

"Youngsters are modelling something they have seen their peers do," she said. "It is something which is increasing and it happens when children don't have good models of understanding."

One Sunshine Coast mother of three, who would not be named, was shocked when her daughters told her that children at school were cutting themselves.

"It's everywhere at the moment and children will try it at least once to see if they like it," she said. "They are doing it to be in the 'in' crowd, because it's perceived to be the trendy thing to do.

"Kids will pressure other kids to cut themselves by implying there is something wrong with them if they don't do it."

How irresponsible is it to get the opinions of two people and print them as gospel?! For God's sake, if you are going to report on an issue, DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH!!!! (which, by the way, does not mean "accepting the first vaguely plausible answer to your questions", dumbarses).

The rate of self-harm may be up. Or, we may be seeing an increase in the reporting of it, as more children feel able to use the Kid's Helpline to reach out for help. If this is the case, it is a good thing, and comparable to, say, the increased reporting of child abuse today as compared to a few decades ago.

It is not the "in" thing to hurt yourself. It is the thing to do openly if you want to be labelled as
"a freak"
"OMG that goth bitch"
"emo"
"a waste of medical resources"
"attention-seeking"
"taking the easy way out instead of dealing with your problems" (interesting how none of the people who accuse us of this seem to find it at all easy to put a razor to their skin and cut themselves...)

I'm sure any self-harmer could think of more...

I would not be surprised if there is a small group of people who cut themselves for attention. They are the kind to scratch themselves just enough to draw blood, then walk around with their sleeves rolled up shouting
"Look at me, I CUT MYSELF, OMFG I am BLEEDING to DEATH because I am in SO MUCH PAIN! Pay attention to me!!! FEEL SORRY FOR ME!!!!"
They give those of us who cut because of actual problems a bad name. They may be more visible than us, but that is no excuse for ANYONE, let alone a newspaper, to assume that they are representative of the self-harm community as a whole. People use newspapers as a source of information, some people even use them as a reliable source of information. To publish poorly researched opinions under the banner of factual information is irresponsible and sickening.

What is "Normal"?

2007-04-23T22:10:00.000-05:00

(Note: I am listening to Beethoven's Violin Concerto as I write this, so if I accidentally write "Beethoven is awesome", or a string of musical notes, or somehow launch into a lecture on the history of Western music, you know what to blame. )

Recently, Mom-NOS made a post regarding the Virginia Tech shootings and her fears that it would have repercussions for autistic people. Another blogger used this post as an opportunity to express his rabid hatred of autism and "Neurodiversity" (I suppose that he was at least polite enough to call it Neurodiversity and not Neuroinsanity like he normally does...). His comments and any discussion of them have been deleted from the blog. I did not see all of them, but if he was as determined to insult autistic people and anyone who accepts them as he normally is, the comments probably should have been deleted.

But enough of that. My purpose for this post is not to endlessly insult John Best, but to put forth a question to those who are opposed to Neurodiversity: where do you draw the line? Do you want everyone to be normal? What, then, is normal? In Australia , my country of residence, it is considered normal to enjoy sports and barbeques at the beach, and to be rather suspicious of intellectual pursuits. At my university, it is considered normal to play a musical instrument to a high degree of profiency, something is NOT the norm in the broader Australian society. In my neighbourhood, it is normal to have white or tanned skin and be of a working or lower-middle-class background. In other places in the world, it is normal not to know where your next meal is coming from.

"Normal" is always seen within a context. And even within these contexts, great variation is seen. For instance, in my cousin's family (not using my own because my siblings and I are all within the autistic spectrum or the broader autistic phenotype and thus do not qualify as "normal") there are three "normal" girls. One has dark brown hair, one has blonde hair, the youngest has red hair. Two of them are talented musicians. Two of them have played the clarinet, one of those two has also played the viola. The youngest is a soccer player with an interest in the hospitality industry. The middle child loves the colour pink and wants to go into film-making. The oldest has two young children with her fiance. All these differences, but noone would suggest that any of these people were abnormal. (At least, I hope they wouldn't.)

Now for some more extreme examples of variation. My cousins have an older sister who is autistic and believed to have the intellectual functioning of a four-year old. Her interests are mostly restricted to having baths, playing with zippers, putting on and taking off clothes, leafing through advertising pamphlets, and occasionally throwing things at me. She does not talk. These things are not considered normal.

Now, something in the middle. As a child, I had physiotherapy, occupational therapy and many years of speech therapy. I have a marked preference for my own company, and the people who I consider to be friends can be counted on the fingers of one hand. Most of my time is spent playing music, composing music, thinking about music, or reading about autism. When I am happy, I frown rather than smiling. Certain events, such as the transition from the 2nd to the 3rd movement in Beethoven's violin concerto (see, I told you I'd work in a reference to Beethoven! :D ) make me grin and flap my hands with delight. Is this "normal" or "abnormal"? Where do we draw the line? Do we say "It is normal to have 4 or more areas of interest at a time, anything more than that is Restricted and Stereotyped"? Do we say "Normal people have at least 5 friends and interact with them for at least 2 hours per week, anything less than this will be considered as a Qualitative Impairment in Social Interaction"? I don't know. I am not proposing to define normality. Anyone who is: I invite you to answer these questions.

Some parents who are opposed to Neurodiversity use the (valid, at least in my opinion) argument that they just want their children to be able to function in the real world. (Autistics CAN and DO thrive in the real world. I am one of the best students in my major study at my university, and one of the lecturers here is diagnosed with residual Asperger's syndrome. (then again, Aspergians aren't "real autistics" because we can talk and stuff)).

What is a normal level of functioning? I can do complicated arithmetic in my head; I have friends who struggle to do the same thing on paper. My friends would not be considered abnormal for not having the same ability that I do. I tend to excel at academic pursuits, but I can barely plan my own week. In a university environment, I thrive, if I had to organise someone's activities for a week, I would be lost. My brother's friend is a good bike-rider, but he cannot play any musical instruments, compose, or manipulate music electronically. Within the context of my university, he would be seen as very low-functioning. My cousin cannot talk, but she can still put her foot in her mouth at the age of 24. In the area of leg flexibility, she is high-functioning.

"Normal" depends on the context in which people are seen. "Level of functioning" depends on what is being assessed. I do not believe that "normal" can be defined. If you do believe this, I invite you to define it for me.

Post-script (Beethoven is awesome... Mozart was born in Salzburg ... the twelve-tone system... :D )

The Results From My Semester 2 2006 Composition Folio

2007-03-23T08:46:00.000-05:00

Only 3 months late...

"A well presented folio with interesting works showing a great deal of development since previous folios. We congratulate Rachel on the obvious care and attention to detail in her presentation of the works and the folio in general. These works are quite ambitious and show a lot of consistency & well done!"

Signed Stephen Cronin, Stephen Leek, Gerard Brophy.

And the mark was only 2% away from getting me a High Distinction.
TWO BLOODY PERCENT!!!!!!!!

How to get anything done

2007-03-17T22:26:00.000-05:00

I was reading http://ballastexistenz.autistics.org/?p=336
today and it inspired me to write the following.

How To Get Anything Done.

1. Remember what it is that you have to do.

2. Sit at computer.

3. Remember that you need to do some pen-and-paper work before using the computer.

4. Go to bedroom.

5. Turn fan on.

6. Turn radio up.

7. You don't like what is on the radio. Locate a CD.

8. It is scratched. Find another CD.

9. You stood on that CD some time ago. Find another CD.

10. Take the clutter of your radio.

11. Stare at the clutter.

12. Remember that you were putting on a CD.

13. Put the clutter down.

14. Put the CD on.

15. Press play.

16. Change your CD player from radio to CD mode.

17. Press play.

18. That wasn't play, that was stop.

19. Press play, this time with better aim.

20. Select track.

21. Oh yeah, I was in here to find a pen and paper.

22. Search for pen and paper.

23. Find at least 5 interesting articles that you've printed from the internet. Read them.

24. PEN AND PAPER

25. Complete a drawing that you started yesterday.

26. PEN AND PAPER

27. Find pen and paper.

28. Go out to kitchen to work. Hit hand on door on the way.

29. Examine bruised hand.

30. Look up bruise formation on the internet,

31. Look up half a dozen other topics on the internet.

32. What the hell am I doing on the internet?

33. Get back to work.

34. Remember that you need a pencil.

35. There is one in the piano stool. Go and get it.

36. It is broken.

37. There is a sharpener on top of the piano stool.

38. Go and get the sharpener.

39. Sharpen the pencil.

40. Remove pencil shavings from your fingertips while wondering how on earth they got there in the first place.

41. Get back to work. Again.

42. Have a drink.

43. Back to work.

44. Pace around the room.

45. Back to work.

46. Another drink.

47. Back to work.

48. Open fridge. Realise that you are not thirsty, and that you were not thirsty when you had the other 2 drinks.

49. Open and shut the fridge a few times.

50. Back to work.

51. Realise that staring at the back of your hand probably won't help to get this work done.

52. No, not even if you wiggle your fingers.

53. Biting your thumb probably won't be much help either.

54. Back to work. This time it gets finished.

55. Turn on computer.

56. What the hell am I doing on the internet again?

57. Oh well. Visit all your usual sites.

58. Look at the time. Panic.

59. I have to stop these automatic responses.

60. Twitch at the thought of breaking one of your routines.

61. Open Word.

62. Go and get dressed.

63. Where are all my shirts?

64. Now, go and get dressed.

65. Find another 5 interesting articles that you've printed from the internet. Read them.

66. Get dressed.

67. Locate hairbrush.

68. Find another 5 interesting articles that you've printed from the internet. Read them.

69. Brush hair.

70. Back to the computer.

71. ... I'm on the internet again, aren't I?

72. Swear at your frontal lobes.

73. Didn't we say before that biting our thumb gets no work done?

74. Start typing.

75. Put on music.

76. Play the same 10 seconds 10 times in a row.

77. Wonder how on earth you passed school.

78. Wonder how on earth it is possible that you are not only passing university, but doing well.

79. Get back to work, finish.

The Tale of the Girl and the Sea

2007-01-23T06:09:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, there was a girl, and she was drowning.

In the place where she lived, there was the land and there was the sea. The children stayed on the land, and went into the sea when they came of age.
In their schools, they were taught to write words and read words and add numbers and take numbers away and multiply and divide numbers until their heads became filled with swarms of numbers and they swore to never even count, ever, ever again, forever. They were taught science and how to paint and balance ledgers and chequebooks. They were taught how to make marks on paper that came to life and became flowers and faces and animals and sometimes just patterns.

The one things they were not taught was the nature of the sea. Most of the children knew to watch the sea. They could navigate the rough waves, they could gather strength in the gentle calm ripples. They knew how to see the calm that disguised wrenching currents. They could see the dark patches of weed that would drag them down. Best of all, they could fashion boats from things that they had found, which allowed them to seek temporary respite from the pounding, frothing sea.

This girl could not learn the ways of the sea. No matter how she tried, the patterns of the waves eluded her. No matter how she squinted, the difference between a shadow and the dark weed would not come to her eyes. Sometimes she would be on the verge of seeing, of understanding, then the sun on the waves would dazzle her and she would forget. She heard talk of the sea, but the words would not stay together in her head. They became fragments, words, danger dark shadow blue weed big fish don't go craft a danger danger danger. She smiled and nodded, she repeated the words of the other children. They thought that she understood. When she met with her parents at the edge of the water, she mimed the gestures of other children. Her lips moved, and from them came the words of the other children. Her parents were glad. She understood. She would live well in the sea.

There were wolves on the land, wolves and great stinging hornets. The children were given stout sticks and bottles that sprayed smoke, but sometimes a child would be bitten or stung, sometimes badly. The wolves howled and the hornets buzzed. Most of the children learned to ignore this, but this girl could not. Her days and nights were filled with the sounds of howling and buzzing. Sometimes she could hear words in the noise.

The time came to go to the sea, for the children were no longer children, but grown men and women who were tall and strong and who had completed their learning. The girl followed the other children at first, but she soon discovered that she did not like to follow, and they did not like her to follow them. So she made her own path.
She swam through blue and green, through warm lapping, through slate-grey cold. She swam over rough red rocks, past little slipping silver fish. She swam and she swam, and she wanted to rest, but she did not know how. She saw what the sea had to offer, and she knew how to make a raft from it. She saw the rafts of other people, and she could see how they had been made. But the howling and buzzing in her head trapped her in the space between thought and action, and there was no rest to be had.

Eventually she saw a cool dark space. She hesitated, for she was unsure whether it was weed or shadow. She moved forward, and it was shadow. She rested awhile and closed her eyes. When she opened them, there was a dark slimy gripping on her ankle. She tried to move, but her struggles brought her head below the surface of the water so that she had to tip it back to breathe.

She began to tire. She made signals to passing people that she was drowning. They gave her a Drowning Permit Form and instructed her to fill it out in triplicate. Her arms were flailing, she could not hold a pen. Her body was aching, her breath sobbing. Some people came along, and they said that she was a good enough swimmer, that there was no way that she could be drowning. Her arms and legs were burning. Some more people came; this time they said that the water was too shallow to drown in. Her neck was stabbing pain and cracks creaks stabs if she tried to move it. The same people said that this area was not known for the weed that gripped, and that it was all in her head. She choked out a plea for a life preserver, for them to please save her, she was dying, drowning, couldn't they see, were they blind, stupid? They said that there was no call for that sort of talk and if she couldn't be polite well then they would just turn around and go back home. They said that she had done so well with her adding and subtracting and multiplying and dividing, her painting and woodcrafting, that she was obviously far too bright to have got herself into a situation where she could drown. She had stopped crying long ago, and her eyes stilled burned hotly. She could hold her head up no longer, and as she sank they told her that she was bright enough to get out of this situation. Bubbles came up from the water, and they told her that they couldn't help anyone who wasn't willing to help themselves. There were no bubbles anymore. The water was still. They said that the forms had not been filled out correctly.

There was a girl, and she drowned.

Emotionless, not capable of love?

2007-01-15T23:48:00.000-05:00

Once, I was my own tower of strength.

Once, I held my own hand.

Once, I stared at the skies and wished to be taken back to wherever I came from, the place where I belonged.

Once, I stumbled through a world that does not want people like me, a world that sees the type of person who I am as disordered and in need of fixing.

One day, I stumbled upon another person.

Someone who made sense.

I discovered what it was for it to be fine to be who I was.

I discovered that when you had someone else's hand to hold, both hands were not tied up together, leaving one free to deal with the world.

I discovered how much more effective a tower of strength is when you aren't leaning on it while simultaneously trying to keep it upright.

For the first time in my life, I could understand why people sought out other people to help them recharge.

For the first time in my life, I saw something good in who I was- in ALL of who I was, not just the parts that the world admired.

I stared at the stars, and for the first time, I knew that I had something more beautiful here on earth.

I had found someone who thought that who I was was beautiful.

I had found someone who could laugh at my clumsiness and make me laugh, because his laughter was simply laughter, not a comment on my overall defectiveness.

I had found someone who could tell me that I was no good socially without suggesting that social skills were somehow necessary to be a real person. Someone who didn't tell me that constant, shallow interactions were a better way of life than the joy I found in music and in knowledge.

But this person could not see what he was. It puzzled me, because he shone so brightly that I woke up at night crying with the beauty of it.

He could not see his worth. Maybe if he knew that he is one of fewer than ten human beings who I've ever truly loved, he would know?

I somehow don't think he would. You see, the stars don't know how beautifully they shine, and the sun cannot imagine the earth without its illumination.

Right is right and wrong is wrong.

2007-01-12T20:10:00.000-05:00

My family and I were discussing the Autism Speaks video. They have not seen it, but I plan to make sure they do as soon as our internet connection is fast enough to stream it. (I hate speed limiting.)
I told them that some of the things that are done to the children on the video (I was thinking of the way some of them were wrenched around by their arms, this has to hurt) and that some of the ways autistic people have been treated in the past would be called child abuse if they were done to normal children. His response was that while he did not agree with their actions, the stress of raising an autistic child made it more understandable.

Stress is stressful. However, it is NO EXCUSE for taking things out on a child who cannot help being who they are. Should we expect our lives to be free from stress? Should we expect our lives to be perfect, free from disappointment and unhappiness? No, and no. Should we be allowed to use our own suffering as an excuse for inflicting suffering on others? Of course we should, because this is the best way to fix everything that is wrong in the world. Once we are all miserable, things will be great!
I am not saying that we should completely ignore the circumstances that surround people's actions. Life does not happen in a vacuum. However, some things are clearly wrong. It is wrong to harm a child because they won't do what you want right away and are not harming anyone.
It is wrong to talk about wanting to kill your child when they are in the room with you.
It is wrong and stupid to complain about your child not interacting then completely ignore their obvious attempts to interact with you.
It is heartbreaking that anyone would thinking that parroting "I love you Mummy" in a robotic voice is a better/more appropriate way of showing love than the attempts these children were making to reach their parents.
IT IS WRONG to take your own suffering out on ANYONE, LET ALONE A CHILD.

Stress can be awful. I know this, because I experience enough stress daily to have an anxiety disorder. I am not perfect, I snap at my family, withdraw from friends, throw things at my brothers (who are perfectly able to defend themselves, one is 14 1/2 and the other is almost 17 and stands head and shoulders above me). I may be seriously tempted at times to go and kill large numbers of people, but I do not do so, because, for the most part, my stress is not their fault. I do not kick the cat or the dog, because it is not their fault, and I have a responsibility for their safety.
Wrong is wrong.

No, my life is not perfect

2007-01-08T01:43:00.000-05:00

I have
- Mood issues, which I believe are related to issues caused by my Asperger's.

- Anxiety issues, same reason.

-Obsessive-compulsive traits.

-Self-harm.

-Suicidal tendencies.

- Paranoia to the point that on a GOOD day I believe that everyone hates me and wants to kill me, but I'm more cheerful about it than on a good day.

Despite all this, I do not believe that my life is not worth living. Life is sweet and to be savoured. As my brother (also Aspergian) puts it:
"It's a more difficult life, but a more fulfilling one."

The last posts (the diagnostic criteria) are satire

2007-01-08T01:34:00.000-05:00

So please do not be offended by them.

I am constantly making fun of paranoid conspiracy theorists. This should not be taken as meaning that I am trivialising mental illness or attempting to deny people the right to their opinion. I am simply amusing myself. I do not believe that science should be based on opinions that sound like me at my most paranoid
(ME AT MY MOST PARANOID:
They all hate me. They all want me dead. They will all lie to me and drive me to my own destruction. They will cry false tears at my funeral then laugh at the wake. They will laugh out loud because they can then stop because it's not fun when I'm not over-hearing them. )

Autistic Disorder

2007-01-08T01:32:00.000-05:00

Autistic Disorder

A life-long tragedy that ruins a child's life and the lives of everyone he knows. Diagnosed by all of the following.

Inappropriate behaviours:
Will not talk. Alternatively, had speech but lost it.

Screams for no reason. No, we do not mean no APPARENT reason. If their parents can't imagine why they should be screaming, then they shouldn't. Remember, parents, your worldview is the only valid one!

Rocks all day while flapping hands in front of face and spinning the wheels on toy cars.

Doesn't love parents.

Is unaware of the existence of anyone else, quite possibly unaware of the existence of outside reality.

Goes between complete inactivity and hyperactivity, with no middle ground.

Makes no eye contact. This is a sign that they do not love you and are not listening. It has recently been proven that we hear with our eyes, not our ears as had been previously believed.

Disturbances in cognitive functioning and identity:

Has no self.

Invariably retarded. If an autistic person displays any sort of ability, it is referred to as a "splinter skill" rather than something that they are good at. This is because tragic empty robots can't be good at anything. If you disagree, you want our children to suffer. Don't you care about the children?!

Fascinated with boring things such as light switches.

Compromised health:
Horrible diarrhoea.

Allergic to everything.

There are a number of hypotheses on the cause of autism. The most popular, and thus the best, are
The child's soul was stolen. Probably by pixies or Bruno Bettelheim.
It was mercury. IT WAS IT WAS IT WAS!!!! So there!
Bad parenting.
The child being confused because its mother is a refrigerator and its father smells of elderberries.

Despite recent and not-so recent scientific studies suggesting a genetic link to autism, this cannot be true, as it does not fit in with the idea that the government is out to screw us over by making our children autistic then taking our money away in black helicopters, or something. The Illuminati are also involved, probably. Either way, popular opinion and conjecture always produce more true results than carefully controlled double-blind studies.

There is no cure for autism, however, the symptoms can be treated for recognising them for what they are- pure stubbornness- and punishing your child every time he or she refuses to act normal.
If this does not work (It will only work in the mildest of cases, and autism is never mild, it is always crippling, a burden and tragic), the child should be put out of its misery. If the child is not miserable, make it miserable (this can be achieved by tickling it while screaming in its ear and flashing bright lights in its eyes) then put it out of its misery.

Depressingly Normal Personality Disorder

2007-01-08T01:30:00.001-05:00

Depressingly Normal Personality Disorder

Onset usually seen in adolescence , although in some instances it may be observed in middle childhood. Onset is rare before age 10.
Diagnosed by:
At least 11 of the following, including at least 2 from A, at least 4 from B, at least 2 from C and at least 3 from D.

A: A qualitative impairment in individuality, as manifested by at least two of the following:
1. A need to be exactly the same as one's peers in terms of dress, appearance, speech etc.
2. A tendency to imitate the dress and behaviour of those perceived as social superiors.
3. A fixation with celebrities, and an overwhelming need to dress and behave as they do.
4. A seeming lack of one's own tastes in anything.

B: Deficits in thought, as manifested by at least four of the following:
1. Inability to form own opinions: tendency to give in to the "group mentality."
2. Gross impairment in logical thinking.
3. Motivated to an excessive degree by fleeting, shallow emotions rather than by considered thought or more deeply felt emotions.
4. Influenced to an excessive degree by extrinsic rather than intrinsic motivators.
5. Difficulty with linguistic and numerical concepts.
6. Shallow concept of personal relationships: e.g., being rejected by a potential partner and seeking a relationship with another individual the next day.
7. Inability to think deeply.
8. No appreciation of true wit: for example, will find someone pulling a face more humorous than verbal humour.

C: Lack of tolerance for anyone without Depressingly Normal Personality Disorder, as manifested by at least 2 of the following:
1. Dislike, bordering on phobia, of those whose behaviour does not conform to the social norms.
2. Superstitious fear of any display of intelligence.
3. A tendency to bully and exclude those who are perceived as being different.

D: A qualitative impairment in personal and social relationships, as manifested by at least three of the following.
1. Preference for shallow, ritualistic small talk rather than true conversation which shares thoughts, feelings and knowledge.
2. An obsession with others' personal details, but with little understanding of the thoughts, feelings and circumstances which influence these details.
3. A need to share even the most trivial information with one's peer group.
4. Lack of respect for the privacy of others: e.g.- disseminating information given in confidence.
5. No apparent concept of private thought, e.g.: discussing intimate physical relationships in a classroom setting; arguing heatedly on a mobile phone on a peak-hour train.

Creative Genius Syndrome

2007-01-08T01:28:00.000-05:00

This was a term made up by me in high school to explain pretty much everything about myself. My brother and I worked out a criteria for it recently.

Creative Genius Syndrome
(Rachel's Syndrome)
NB: This is not actually a disorder, but a different way of viewing the world. In its most severe expression, however, it may appear as a disorder to the untrained observer.
Onset usually seen in childhood or early adolescence.

Diagnosed by:
At least 11 of the following, A, at least 3 from B, C, at least 2 from D, E, at least 2 from F, and G.

A: Extreme interest in and aptitude for one or more fields of creative endeavour. For example, may have mastered perspective drawing by age four, or have written one or more symphonies before the age of 20.

B: A qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least three of the following.
1. An inability to make small talk.
2. Complete indifference to most people, often to the point of not being aware of their existence.
3. A tendency to talk excessively about their particular interest, e.g., when asked where Beethoven was born, will not only say where and when he was born, but also give a lecture on where he lived during his life, what he composed in these places, who his influences were, who he influenced, their personal opinion of every work he ever wrote, (including the difficulties involved in playing most of these works), a review of various performances of these works, and the complete history of Western music.
4. Lack of awareness of many of the rules of social interaction: e.g.: may not know how to become part of a group; has no idea of how to "fit in".
5. Intense dislike for group work.
6. Far greater interest in creative work than in other people.
C: Poor motor control. This may be either gross motor control, fine motor control, or both. Problems tend to disappear when doing activities related to their field of interest.
D: Issues with attention and focus, as manifested by at least 2 of the following:
1. Almost total inability to keep attention on subjects that are not of interest.
2. Extreme focus and long attention span when engrossed in their particular field of creativity- e.g.: may spend six hours working on a painting with no breaks.
3. A tendency to become so absorbed by creative work that they forget to eat, sleep, and in severe cases, wash.
4. Inattention to people, e.g.: ,may respond to, laugh at, or enter into an hour-long debate about the deeper meaning of a statement and its implications for the future of humanity, but will not actually have registered that something has been said.
E: Disregard for the dictates of fashion. In severe cases, patients may forget such basic rules as "socks first, then shoes" or forget to button or wear their shirt.
F: Poor organisational skills, as manifested by at least 2 of the following.
1. Untidy living space.
2. Poor time management.
3. Forgetfulness, unless the things to be remembered are related in some way to their creative interest.
4. A tendency to leave accessories related to their creative field scattered around their living space: e.g.- may have music on their floor and paint on their carpet.
NB: If a person with CGS has tracked paint across your carpet, try not to get angry, They do not do it on purpose. Simply hand them a rag and some turpentine, and ask them if they would please clean it up. DO NOT do this when they are working on a creative project, It disrupts their thought processes and may lead to a potentially great work going unfinished. To be the cause of this is unforgivable. You may ask, "Is it so difficult to put things where they belong?" Quite simply, yes. Once a creative project has been finished, the CG's thoughts are so far removed from putting paint away that they may as well be on another planet.
G: Motor and cognitive skills disintegrate when tired or involved in a creative project: e.g.- when deprived of sleep, forgets complex information such as how to operate a light switch or their own name; walks into the nearest wall when thinking deeply.
Additional possible features:
H: Poor handwriting is commonly observed. This is caused by the brain being ahead of the pen.
I: Usually above-average intelligence.
J: Almost always an intense dislike of those who suffer from Depressingly Normal Personality Disorder.
K: May show interest in subjects that the majority of people find boring, e.g.- railway timetables, office stationery and timekeeping devices.
L: Greatly increased susceptibility to other mental disorders and illnesses.

Introduction

2007-01-08T01:14:00.000-05:00

Ok.
What to say in my first post?
I am Rachel.
I am 23 years old.
I believe that I have Asperger's Syndrome, because
1. I meet the diagnostic criteria.
2. I have spent countless hours reading material written by autistic people, and I identify with so much of it that it cannot be explained away by coincidence, or introversion, or me just being anxious, or whatever reason my psychiatrist has for me not possibly being autistic.

I have spent far too much time staring at the computer screen today. If this post is disjointed and inarticulate, it is because of that. I apologise.

I believe that what I have is not a disorder but a profile of abilities and problems. My main problems are weak social skills and terrible executive functioning. I do not believe that these are tragedies that ruin my life, I believe that these are problems to be overcome. We all face problems. Crying about them doesn't help.

My goals in life are to become a professional musician (I will be in my final year of a music degree (majoring in composition) this year), an autism rights advocate (this blog is the start of that) and to take over the world.

My goals for this year are:

Graduate from university.
Get my driver's licence.
Move out of my parents' house.
Learn to drink an entire glass of liquid and get ALL OF IT in my mouth. My mouth does not include:
my chin
my left ear
the table
the floor
my shoulder
my left arm
my nose
my cleavage
the front of my pants
my back
my foot
the dog
(Honestly, I thought that the occupational therapy, physiotherapy and hippotherapy I received as a child were meant to help with my Clumsy Idiot Syndrome...)

My favourite blogs, which everyone should read

http://ballastexistenz.autistics.org

http://thiswayoflife.org/blog/

http://whitterer-autism.blogspot.com/

I also suck at concluding my writings.